Teenage me was the best me (Part1)

So one of my best friends is norwegian (we'll call her Elena here) and I used to write her long and detailed E-Mail Updates about my life. I have stumbled upon these and they were pure gold. My life at the time I was 20 literally read like a telenovela.

I will share the best E-Mails on here in a segment called "K's Teenage Struggles". I can't really judge if they will be as funny to you as they are to me. But these E-Mails were the purest form of a diary I have ever seen. They were honest and mostly not self-reflected and overthought and I love that. I want to get some of that back.



K's Teenage Struggles Part 1

So Flashback to 2012 were I am about to start college in a smaller town (I come from Berlin) and I have just broken up with my boyfriend Toni (all names are changed obviously). He was a very small-minded dude from a really small town and I definitely dated him more for his looks than for his personality. But at 19 you're allowed to do that COME ON.

He wrote my friend Elena on Facebook to win me back. Which btw is a very weird strategy practiced by many guys. Like, can someone tell me what the plan is there? And I'm starting with this E-Mail from Elena to show you why she was my very best friend at the time and how nice and smart she is.

Elena:

Also, Toni wrote me on facebook:
elena can u help me:( what can i do with K.? im so sad about her decision :'(

Elena

Hei Toni, I am so sorry that it ended this way. I understand that it must be hard for you. I know you love her and care so much for her. I also know that K. has thought through this very well, and I dont think will change her mind. I am sorry I cannot help you more. I hope you will feel better eventually, and that you will find someone new to love soon. Many hugs from me

I tried to be nice. I really think it was the right thing to break up even if it hurts him a lot... I dont think that relationship will be the best you deserve in the end. 

God im so tired my english is like shit, haha.
She was 21 at the time and I am still impressed how well she handled the situation. I love that she didn't cause drama or was mean to him or tried to ridicule him when we talked. That's why I loved her so much.

Then there are a few E-Mails in which I feel really sorry for him and contemplate getting back together but know that I have to just wait it out. Followed by this E-Mail. The subject line was very fittingly: I am so over Toni!!!

K:

Okay so now i know for sure that i made the right decision with toni and it's like i just fell out of love from one moment to another.
We were talking and he was making hidden comments and it just felt like he was talking to me to check up on me, which he used to do during our relationship as well. And i got so angry and upset about it. And when i told him that i dont want him to do that, he was upset as well. And then i told him there was no chance we're getting back together. And he was like "well you didn't give me many chances" and that made me even angrier CAUSE I GAVE HIM LIKE HUNDRED CHANCES. Also, he was like "oh all women are the same. They leave you if it doesn't go their way and it's instantly all bad." i'm so mad!
So i told him that i don't want him to write me or visit me the end of september. I don't care if he thinks i'm mean. I am so over him and his behavior.

Surely enough, i wasn't over it though. But young me was about to self-reflect on her life for the first time ever. Even though it was a little melodramatic, I'm proud of young me to have thought these thoughts and expressed them so precisely.

K:

So i have been talking and meeting up with toni. And it was fine at first but i have made a horrific realization about me and this relationship tonight, I really have to share my feelings about this with you.

So, when I broke up with Toni i told him that i also needed some time and distance. And because i know it was hard on him, i told him that a month would be good and then we could talk about this again. A week later he "manipulated" (in parenthesis because he doesn't do it on purpose, i just kinda let him) his way back into my life by texting me. And because i felt bad for breaking up and i saw how hard it was on him, i made the compromise to text him again. But i told him that he wasn't the only one who had lost a girlfriend/boydfriend and i also needed some time and space, so we can't text all the time. So when i got here (i'm in kröv) he texted me everyday and also came by which went okay. And i asked him, if he had something on his mind he could tell me personally now. He said there was nothing, i asked again, and he reassured me that we had talked it all through. Today he visited me at my dad's again. He had texted me a 1838 times before, but i didn't see because i was working. So he just came by anyways. Then he said we should text after work. I said "we'll see". Then i got home and my grandparents had just gotten home from their vacation at the North Sea (?) and they had a lot to tell. I told them about Uni, and my surgery and how i planned to renovate my apartment. I also told them funny stories about my other grandparents and their struggle with technology. We haven't talked so much and laughed so hard in such a long time. It was really nice. When i got upstairs at 1 AM i realised i had forgotten about toni and i had two texts from him. I texted him back about me and my grandparents. And he said, he wanted to come by tonight but i didn't text him, so he didn't. And i was like "well it would have been to late anyway, that wouldn't have made sense".
And he was like "yeah i still wanted to see you, i didn't get to see you much while you were here etc etc".
And then i told him that i don't want him to be upset, but usually ppl that break up don't see each other at all. I broke up with him because he wouldn't give me enough space to develop and because he would always check on me (as in controlling). He always wanted to make sure he is the only person i am having a good time with and NO ONE else (not even girls) and he was not even happy for me when i found nice friends in *my college town* because that means that he's not the only person in my life. Also, he wanted me to take only his advice on things. Even if i chose my mom's advice over his he would be really pissed. Even though she ist 20 yrs older and has more experience mainly because she doesn't still live at home (this is not what i said now, but just so you know the whole story. Obviously i kept the text kinda rational). And now he was doing it all again: trying to control me and check up on me and being in my life EVERY second. And i said in the text that i understand he misses me. But that i would also like some more distance which i have asked for multiple times (i explained him that when i asked for a month he gave me a week, when i asked for less texting, he texted even more) and i'd really appreciate him respecting this wish because i really need this.
His first reaction was "you didn't say you needed a month of distance, you said two weeks".
I was really disappointed because he clearly missed the point.
Then he said maybe we should talk this through personally. And he should have said something when i asked him personally before.
I said that i gave him this chance already. I even asked him to talk about it because i wanted it to be easier for him. That would have been his chance. And i just feel like this is one of his ways of meeting me up again. And i never wanted to hurt his feelings which is why i compromised so much on how to handle the break up. And now i need him to respect my wishes as well and finally give me the time that i need.
That's where he kinda lost it and said "we were just talking normally and got along well during the day and now you're starting with this crap again.."

And then i didn't reply anymore. Because the "crap" he was referring to were my "wishes" he was clearly "disrespecting". And it was this horrible moment of realization where i could see everything really clearly all of the sudden:

Toni is a nice guy and i thought i had made the big catch because i found someone who loved me unconditionally. But he just needs a girl with a different personality that is fine with having one life, one home and one man/person she can focus all her attention to. they'd be the happiest couple on earth. but i am NOT that girl. And the past year i have been trying to make my personality fit to his and into his world because in the end that was the ONE condition his love actually had.
I like to believe i'm a very self-confident, independent lady but during this past year i have become someone i never wanted to be; the kinda girl that gives up so much for her man and tries to make it work even though everyone else can tell that that is just pointless. I have pushed ppl away with it (for example frederik, i told you on our walk - i never talked to him again because toni didn't want me to). And all to make this relationship work. I think the long distance worked "so well" because i could at least just TAKE my free time by not texting him ("oh sorry, i was in the shower") or even ignoring his calls sometimes (rarely though). Instead of living in the present i really tried to include toni in my berlin-life because i knew i haven't always made it easy for him as well. But i did all the compromising. All the time.
And my feelings and wishes are not important to him if they don't match his.
I already knew he brought out the worst in me (i have literally NEVER yelled at a person before Toni) but all of the sudden this was so clear. And it was so hard for me to see it because 1. I was in love 2. He doesn't really do it on purpose and is actually a nice guy.

But i don't care how nice someone is, this is "psychological terror" (german translation). And i can't believe i became a "victim" of it. He wrung out Every last feeling of love for him and i am glad i broke up with him.

Of course i had good times with him. And like i said, with the right girl they'd make a great couple and you could be sure they'd last forever.
But our personalities don't match. And i knew from the beginning and didn't listen to it. The problems we had never went away, i just ignored them. And all i was left with every time was frustration.

I'm glad i've had this experience now because i will Never Ever let this happen again.

(A little heads-up: It DID happen again. But good on you teenage me!)



Stay tuned for "K's Teenage Struggles Part 2" when I'm immensely sexually attracted to a guy with a girlfriend. And his girlfriend is immensely jealous. And in my E-Mail I'm immensely surprised as to why!
Also, I drop some mad wisdom.