Short update

As you may have guessed, I'm a little busy right now. I don't know if I can afford to keep this Blog up and running. Or if it's worth it at all anyway.

I'm reading "Lolita" by Nabokov which has caused an awkward silence or two when grandma asked me what it was about.
Also, again I'm struggeling with the challenge because I picked out a rather lengthy book. I didn't learn from the "Jane Eyre" situation at all!

I continued writing on my book which will never be finished but probably be posted in excerpts here then, so at least someone gets to see my "work". It's in German though.

I'm moving apartments next week and also upping my workload at my job which all leaves me a little anxious. 

Life is moving forward, I don't feel ready!

Hey Dudes and Dudettes,

I just finished "Woman No. 17" yesterday and there are more Teenage Struggles to come but I'm working too much right now to post it all. I'll continue monday.

K's Teenage Struggles Part 3

Today we'll learn that 20 year-old me knows what's up when it comes to guys but doesn't know what's up when it comes to her hair.

Subject Line: "Long Update because I have a lot of time right now (and you'll laugh when you read why)" - The second part

So yesterday at had my first day at university. I have math class four hours a day for two weeks. It's horrible. I understood 70% of what they thaught us, so I have a lot of work to do at home. And this is more like a review of school math and an introduction to new math. 
I introduced myself to my seat-neighbors (I spent the first 1,5 years of college introducing myself to everyone!). To my left I had a girl who understood even less than me (and had a friend next to her so we didn't connect) and to my right I had a guy named Eric. He is really nice but for some weird reason I don't trust him. Like, it's really weird....he hasn't said anything wrong (even though he constantly talks about himself which is annoying) but it's just a feeling in my gut. WEIRD. We spent our lunch break together though, he showed me around and we had some food. (I remember him telling me that a girl had been raped on campus a few semesters ago and then he slowed down and told me it was him. Then he laughed and said it was a joke. But I had already seen my life pass before my eyes because I had just met this guy a few hours ago. This was probably the least funny joke I had ever witnessed (I feel like for women rape is even less funny, because it happens all the time, everywhere) and maybe that contributed to the whole "I don't trust this guy" thing)

(...) 

Anyways, Eric has switched major 3 times already, he really really wanted to know why Toni and I broke up and he constantly talks about himself. So I think that's why i'm not really trusting him, he seems like he'd be an emotional unstable person if it came down to it. He was also whining about how his ex gf treatd him and that's just too much info on the first day for me (obviously this kid does not know bundaries!). If he's already whining to me now, it's only gonna get worse (Write this down guys, it is the truest thing 20 year old me will ever say). I definitely thinks he wants to get some, if you know what I mean, but I'm definitely not up for that (Also, good observational skills). He's so not my type and his personality is a little annoying. Even as a friend. I think right now I have a problem with ppl that seem too clingy (because of Toni) and maybe what he does is normal, but I'm super sensitive to it right now. Like when I got home he instantly had written me a facebook message and all, that's just too much for me right now. Maybe usually I'd be happy about it I don't know. 

(...)

Okay this is my last paragraph: You can't imagine what happened to me (it's the reason I have time to write you right now!). Yesterday I dyed my hair like i always do. But I wanted to make it a darker color (still blond though). But because I have been doing it for so long, I usually do it without even looking at what i'm doing. Since it's a different color though, I SHOULD HAVE WATCHED WHAT I'M DOING. So when I washed the hair dye out, I looked like a leopard or something!!! I had light blond and dark blond mixed and patchy all over my hair!!! It was so horrible hahaha. And then i put my hair in a ponytail and went to the store to get light blond again to go back because the dark blond didn't look good anyways. So this morning I got up early before class to re-dye my hair and I should have probably guessed it and thought of it (I'M SO DUMB SOMETIMES) but it just made everything lighter but the patches stayed of course!! They just got lighter. And the mix of both colors made those patches look grey or something, it was horrible, I was like NOOOOOO. I really felt sick to my stomache cause it looked so horrible. So I had to stay home (this math class is not mandatory, so i can come and go when i want, but obviously i'd rather listen to it and practice it). And I called hair dressers to ask them if they can fit me in because I had a little "accident". Finally I found one that could fit me in at 3 PM today. But of course that's the most expensive hair dye EVER. I might have to pay between 40 or 100 Euros. It might be enough to put a bunch of light blond highlights in but if they have to do the whole thing then they have to bleach it to make it one color and then color it. First off, that's horrible for my hair!!! And secondly, that's just really....really....reallyyyyyyy expensive. My budget for IKEA is 250€ so I have to take out the money from there.... I'm just so mad at myself!!! And it's like in the movies. So horrible. But I'm laughing right now. Cause it is also really funny. But in a sad way... But I think you'll find it hilarious. That will never happen again to me!!!


I like how I had to dig into the IKEA fund. Since then, I had many IKEA funds and they were always smaller than the starting amount because of something unforeseen.  So I really haven't changed. But I don't dye my hair anymore.

K's Teenage Struggles Part 2

I reviewed a bunch of E-Mails I sent to Elena and they just get more and more hilarious because I was having such a good time when I started university. Part 2 starts out sad because I mention Toni (one of the last times though that I mention him at all) and because I PPrently thought I'm a mentally stable person. 
The subject line was: "Long Update because I have a lot of time right now (and you'll laugh when you read why)". I literally click-baited my best friend. And in K's Teenage Struggles Part 3 (posting it tomorrow) you'll find out why I had so much time and it's hilarious (MUHAHA).

K:

Hey,

(...)
 

You are completely right: I am not over Toni. Of course I love his stupid face. The good times we had, which we had plenty of, were REALLY good. So it's just so sad that we couldn't fix our problems with each other. Also, I just feel really bad for him. Because he's really set in his ways, his friends are not going to help his attitude at all because they're instigators, and he's just going to struggle with it so much, as you said. And I wish I could help because a nice guy like him deserves love. But there is just nothing I can do. And the more I think of it, the more I know that there is nothing I can do. I think I'm really lucky that I'm an emotionally stable person (BAHAHAHAHA) and know that it's not my fault. I try not to feel bad about it. But I guess I can't avoid a little pain completly. I just know I could not live how Toni wants us to live. And I'm sure he is ready for some compromise but it's not enough. I just need a man that generally has a different attitude and as you said, doesn't feel threatened by literally everything.

(...)

I should tell you about my time in *my college town* anyways: 

I have joined a group of friends which I think I have told you about. They are a little older than me (ages range from 24 to 27) but it really doesn't show except that I'm excited for university ;) hehe. There is my soon-to-be-ex-roommate L., who studies Pharmacy-stuff and likes to dress extravagant but she's super nice. Her boyfreiend's name is Chris. He is probably the one I talk to the most. He always invites me for coffee at his place and we can have long talks about basically any topic. I really feel like we match very well intellectually. And I'm glad that L. isn't the jealous type at all. They really feel confident with each other and that's really nice to see that that exists considering what I went through with Toni. Chris' best friend is Ben. He's fun, intelligent, athletic and I feel REALLY CRAZILY SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to him. But he has a girlfriend and they live together and love each other, so obviously i'm not gonna do anything. It's a thing down here to kiss on the cheek when you say hello or goodbye to friends so I'm obviously really enjoying that with him ;) His girlfriend is called Mara, she is a dance teacher but she hardly every joins our group activities (mostly because she is working, i guess). She seems really nice and we have talked about shoes, like real girls.... They once had everyone over at their apartment for pizza and movies, and it was a lot of fun. She is really jealous though and feels immensely threatened by me. (I wonder why, I'm literally just super excited when her boyfriend kisses me on the freakin cheek!!) But if we get to know each other better, it will be better for sure. There is another girl she has been really jealous of before me, she is called Maria. I really like Maria, she has been single for 3 years and doesn't like it but she's unable to talk to men. We all went out on Saturday (friday we went out for drinks) and I wanted to help her, so we distanced ourselves from the group (SO WISE) and I said we should dance one big circle around the dance floor to check everyone out and maybe meet someone. And then I met a guy, his name is Toni (seriously?!) and he just finished studying economy. he wasn't hot but he seemed really nice. Then we finished our dance-circle and Maria met 0 men. That was really depressing...

In hindsight I can say that I have never again felt so platonically sexually attracted to someone like Ben. I lost touch with that entire group when I moved a few streets over and the coffees at Chris' became less because we were both busy. But I should have gotten back in touch with them and I could imagine that Ben is/was single again because I heard they were fighting a lot. I guess I missed my chance. But I can really appreciate my man trouble because right now my man troubles are that I don't like anyone!

Teenage me was the best me (Part1)

So one of my best friends is norwegian (we'll call her Elena here) and I used to write her long and detailed E-Mail Updates about my life. I have stumbled upon these and they were pure gold. My life at the time I was 20 literally read like a telenovela.

I will share the best E-Mails on here in a segment called "K's Teenage Struggles". I can't really judge if they will be as funny to you as they are to me. But these E-Mails were the purest form of a diary I have ever seen. They were honest and mostly not self-reflected and overthought and I love that. I want to get some of that back.



K's Teenage Struggles Part 1

So Flashback to 2012 were I am about to start college in a smaller town (I come from Berlin) and I have just broken up with my boyfriend Toni (all names are changed obviously). He was a very small-minded dude from a really small town and I definitely dated him more for his looks than for his personality. But at 19 you're allowed to do that COME ON.

He wrote my friend Elena on Facebook to win me back. Which btw is a very weird strategy practiced by many guys. Like, can someone tell me what the plan is there? And I'm starting with this E-Mail from Elena to show you why she was my very best friend at the time and how nice and smart she is.

Elena:

Also, Toni wrote me on facebook:
elena can u help me:( what can i do with K.? im so sad about her decision :'(

Elena

Hei Toni, I am so sorry that it ended this way. I understand that it must be hard for you. I know you love her and care so much for her. I also know that K. has thought through this very well, and I dont think will change her mind. I am sorry I cannot help you more. I hope you will feel better eventually, and that you will find someone new to love soon. Many hugs from me

I tried to be nice. I really think it was the right thing to break up even if it hurts him a lot... I dont think that relationship will be the best you deserve in the end. 

God im so tired my english is like shit, haha.
She was 21 at the time and I am still impressed how well she handled the situation. I love that she didn't cause drama or was mean to him or tried to ridicule him when we talked. That's why I loved her so much.

Then there are a few E-Mails in which I feel really sorry for him and contemplate getting back together but know that I have to just wait it out. Followed by this E-Mail. The subject line was very fittingly: I am so over Toni!!!

K:

Okay so now i know for sure that i made the right decision with toni and it's like i just fell out of love from one moment to another.
We were talking and he was making hidden comments and it just felt like he was talking to me to check up on me, which he used to do during our relationship as well. And i got so angry and upset about it. And when i told him that i dont want him to do that, he was upset as well. And then i told him there was no chance we're getting back together. And he was like "well you didn't give me many chances" and that made me even angrier CAUSE I GAVE HIM LIKE HUNDRED CHANCES. Also, he was like "oh all women are the same. They leave you if it doesn't go their way and it's instantly all bad." i'm so mad!
So i told him that i don't want him to write me or visit me the end of september. I don't care if he thinks i'm mean. I am so over him and his behavior.

Surely enough, i wasn't over it though. But young me was about to self-reflect on her life for the first time ever. Even though it was a little melodramatic, I'm proud of young me to have thought these thoughts and expressed them so precisely.

K:

So i have been talking and meeting up with toni. And it was fine at first but i have made a horrific realization about me and this relationship tonight, I really have to share my feelings about this with you.

So, when I broke up with Toni i told him that i also needed some time and distance. And because i know it was hard on him, i told him that a month would be good and then we could talk about this again. A week later he "manipulated" (in parenthesis because he doesn't do it on purpose, i just kinda let him) his way back into my life by texting me. And because i felt bad for breaking up and i saw how hard it was on him, i made the compromise to text him again. But i told him that he wasn't the only one who had lost a girlfriend/boydfriend and i also needed some time and space, so we can't text all the time. So when i got here (i'm in kröv) he texted me everyday and also came by which went okay. And i asked him, if he had something on his mind he could tell me personally now. He said there was nothing, i asked again, and he reassured me that we had talked it all through. Today he visited me at my dad's again. He had texted me a 1838 times before, but i didn't see because i was working. So he just came by anyways. Then he said we should text after work. I said "we'll see". Then i got home and my grandparents had just gotten home from their vacation at the North Sea (?) and they had a lot to tell. I told them about Uni, and my surgery and how i planned to renovate my apartment. I also told them funny stories about my other grandparents and their struggle with technology. We haven't talked so much and laughed so hard in such a long time. It was really nice. When i got upstairs at 1 AM i realised i had forgotten about toni and i had two texts from him. I texted him back about me and my grandparents. And he said, he wanted to come by tonight but i didn't text him, so he didn't. And i was like "well it would have been to late anyway, that wouldn't have made sense".
And he was like "yeah i still wanted to see you, i didn't get to see you much while you were here etc etc".
And then i told him that i don't want him to be upset, but usually ppl that break up don't see each other at all. I broke up with him because he wouldn't give me enough space to develop and because he would always check on me (as in controlling). He always wanted to make sure he is the only person i am having a good time with and NO ONE else (not even girls) and he was not even happy for me when i found nice friends in *my college town* because that means that he's not the only person in my life. Also, he wanted me to take only his advice on things. Even if i chose my mom's advice over his he would be really pissed. Even though she ist 20 yrs older and has more experience mainly because she doesn't still live at home (this is not what i said now, but just so you know the whole story. Obviously i kept the text kinda rational). And now he was doing it all again: trying to control me and check up on me and being in my life EVERY second. And i said in the text that i understand he misses me. But that i would also like some more distance which i have asked for multiple times (i explained him that when i asked for a month he gave me a week, when i asked for less texting, he texted even more) and i'd really appreciate him respecting this wish because i really need this.
His first reaction was "you didn't say you needed a month of distance, you said two weeks".
I was really disappointed because he clearly missed the point.
Then he said maybe we should talk this through personally. And he should have said something when i asked him personally before.
I said that i gave him this chance already. I even asked him to talk about it because i wanted it to be easier for him. That would have been his chance. And i just feel like this is one of his ways of meeting me up again. And i never wanted to hurt his feelings which is why i compromised so much on how to handle the break up. And now i need him to respect my wishes as well and finally give me the time that i need.
That's where he kinda lost it and said "we were just talking normally and got along well during the day and now you're starting with this crap again.."

And then i didn't reply anymore. Because the "crap" he was referring to were my "wishes" he was clearly "disrespecting". And it was this horrible moment of realization where i could see everything really clearly all of the sudden:

Toni is a nice guy and i thought i had made the big catch because i found someone who loved me unconditionally. But he just needs a girl with a different personality that is fine with having one life, one home and one man/person she can focus all her attention to. they'd be the happiest couple on earth. but i am NOT that girl. And the past year i have been trying to make my personality fit to his and into his world because in the end that was the ONE condition his love actually had.
I like to believe i'm a very self-confident, independent lady but during this past year i have become someone i never wanted to be; the kinda girl that gives up so much for her man and tries to make it work even though everyone else can tell that that is just pointless. I have pushed ppl away with it (for example frederik, i told you on our walk - i never talked to him again because toni didn't want me to). And all to make this relationship work. I think the long distance worked "so well" because i could at least just TAKE my free time by not texting him ("oh sorry, i was in the shower") or even ignoring his calls sometimes (rarely though). Instead of living in the present i really tried to include toni in my berlin-life because i knew i haven't always made it easy for him as well. But i did all the compromising. All the time.
And my feelings and wishes are not important to him if they don't match his.
I already knew he brought out the worst in me (i have literally NEVER yelled at a person before Toni) but all of the sudden this was so clear. And it was so hard for me to see it because 1. I was in love 2. He doesn't really do it on purpose and is actually a nice guy.

But i don't care how nice someone is, this is "psychological terror" (german translation). And i can't believe i became a "victim" of it. He wrung out Every last feeling of love for him and i am glad i broke up with him.

Of course i had good times with him. And like i said, with the right girl they'd make a great couple and you could be sure they'd last forever.
But our personalities don't match. And i knew from the beginning and didn't listen to it. The problems we had never went away, i just ignored them. And all i was left with every time was frustration.

I'm glad i've had this experience now because i will Never Ever let this happen again.

(A little heads-up: It DID happen again. But good on you teenage me!)



Stay tuned for "K's Teenage Struggles Part 2" when I'm immensely sexually attracted to a guy with a girlfriend. And his girlfriend is immensely jealous. And in my E-Mail I'm immensely surprised as to why!
Also, I drop some mad wisdom. 

Buying Books I Already Have

To someone who doesn't love books, it makes no sense to buy multiple copies of the same book or have various editions of it. But as anyone who loves something more than they should, I, as a booklover, practice the art of buying too many books, especially different editions of the same book.

But I have reached a new level of crazy: Today, while browsing my Amazon wish list I saw my all-time favorite book by Amelie Nothomb "The book of proper names".
Now, I have moved about 5 times in the last 3-4 years, so my stuff is everywhere and I have left a lot of books in storage. One of which is "The book of proper names". But for my "year of 26 books" I really want to re-read it and tell you about it because it was the first "grown-up book" I read when I was about 12. I loved it so much that I have read it multiple times eversince and it was the reason I started doing ballett (which is kind of not the point of the book, it literally tells you "Ballett kills" but hey, I was 12).
So I was browsing on Amazon and because I knew that book was in storage I just bought it again. That's who I am now!

If you are like me and have instagram, I can recommend @mylittlebooktique. She has about 1.000 copies of any classic novel and really beautiful editions. Her latest find are pink korean editions of a few Jane Austen novels. And yes, I find that exciting!

Because I spend my money the way I just described, I would love for you to invite me to a coffee. If you do that, I'll draw you something, you can request almost anything, the weirder the better. Click below and I'll love you forever:

8 Martin Suter - The dark side of the moon

The plot is quickly summarized: Successfull lawyer does shrooms, has a bad trip and gets weird. So this book just starts completely out of my comfort zone. Usually literature about drugs seems very forced to me. It's forcably spacy and weird and even tends to glorify drugs. And that just doesn't go over well with me.

The book starts exactly as I imagined it: Our lawyer is called Urs Blank and he is partnered with an important law firm, drives a fast car and is kind of a dick. He meets a young incense stick selling girl (that's a real job!) and cheats on his wife with her because she's younger and more fun and all that jazz. And his wife just let's it happen because that's what wives of really rich dudes do. So at this point I'm already over this book.

The only thing that kept me reading was the writing style. This books comes in paragraphs in which the point of view usually switches to another person's and that makes this novel really easy and fast to read. It feels really dynamic and gives the reader complete insight on what everyone is thinking in certain situations. It picks up the pace in all the right places and never feels too drawn out. I was impressed and continued and luckily I got rewarded for my patience:

Martin Suter describes the peronality changes Urs Blank goes through after his bad trip so well and not in a glorifying way at all. It feels real and raw. Blank and everyone around him react to this situation exactly as I would in real life which is not something I can often say and really makes for some good writing.

Also, it's very well researched. You can really tell a lot of time went into this. Also, I researchd the author and he looks exactly as I imagined Urs Blank. Here's a link to Martin Suter.

*SPOILER*

Dude starts killing people. That's when this book took a turn for the better, at least for me. And I'm not sure what that says about me.
But if you're looking for something easy yet something impressive (as in Martin Suter can write!) to read, I can recommend this. I'll rate this book 78 out of 90 shrooms.

Tomorrow I'm going to finish reading Martin Suter's "The dark side of the moon" and get a new book delivered. Both are more contemporary literature, in fact the book I'm receiving tomorrow from my trusted delivery man has just recently come out and had really promising reviews. It's called "Woman No 17" by Eden Lepucki and I already got to read an excerpt that left me wanting more.

Print is dead?

I was trying to sell an Ostrich feather duster the other day (yes, it seems very random but I will literally sell anything of yours if my hourly wage is decent) and there are a few things I like to mention and do to sell it. For example, I let people touch the feather duster because it's so soft, people will just buy it for its softness and never actually use it. That usually works like a charm. 

But some customers need a little more work; so did this woman that came in two weeks ago. She was not completly convinced, so I started listing all the great things you can clean with a feather duster (I make cleaning sound like a lot of fun, if you ever need motivation to clean, hit me up). I told her it's the easiest way to dust off bookshelves and books. The woman just looked me dead in the eye and said: Well, who reads books anymore, let's be serious.

What.

Luckily, my colleague swooped in, knowing that this was a touchy subject and I was about to yell at this woman to get her uneducated ass out of the store, throwing a heavy copy of 'Jane Eyre' after her.

Print is not dead, bitch.

7 Hermann Hesse - Siddhartha

I love that I'm catching up on all the classics in my twenties. And since I am also somewhat on a journey to self-discovery, Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha is a very fitting book choice.

The story follows a young man named Siddhartha (and I thought I had a weird name) on his path to find the true meaning of life which he believes is enlightenment. He and his friend Govinda join a religious group, then follow a true Buddha, but Siddhartha grows frustrated as he seems unable to find what he's looking for. So he goes a different path in his pursuit for happiness, one of sexuality and greed. But oh wonder, this isn't really what he's looking for either (men and their mid-life crisis) and so he decides to continue on his old path to enlightenment. He comes to a river where he hears a noise that ultimately signals the beginning of his new life.

I must admit I struggled a bit through the first half. It didn't capture me right away. I think Hermann Hesse is a brilliant writer though. You can feel that Hesse himself was looking for said enlightenment and when I did some research, I found out that the second half of the book took long to write because Hesse "had not experienced that transcendental state of unity to which Siddhartha aspires". So he lived in seclusion from society and got totally emerged in the Hindu and Buddhist teachings. 

The book was a good read but unlike a lot of reviews that I read, it didn't inspire anything in me. So I'm just stuck with a weird name and no enlightenment.